November 24, 2014
In a counseling session with Scott, he had me write down the 5 stages of grief. He explained, when a person suffers a loss they move in and out of each stage until they reach acceptance. At the time I didn’t understand just how significant this was.
November 24, 2016 – Thanksgiving Day
As I was getting ready to go to my parents, I suddenly became overcome by a wave of sadness the likes of which I had never experienced before. A pain, a grief, a loss unknowingly stored deep down in my heart had become dislodged and with it the tears that I held back for a lifetime came flowing out. Years of emotional anguish came pouring out for the first time. I was confronting the loss of the mother I never knew. The mother I was supposed to know, the mother who I was supposed to love, the mother who was supposed to love me. I am so thankful that Scott had prepared me for this. He always said tears are a way to heal and when they come don’t try to stop them. He reassured me again that I’d be ok. Those who knew me well a few years ago, know I rarely felt sad, let alone cry. Now here I was crying uncontrollably.
As the tears flowed I started to journal and wrote a letter to my first mom about what was on my mind. I hoped this would help, but it didn’t. I knew I’d be ok. I knew God was with me. I knew I wasn’t alone, but it definitely was a new feeling for me. I called my mom because it was getting late and I couldn’t stop. Without hesitation she came over and sat with me on the couch saying “Let the tears flow, Jenn.” I’ll never forget this. My younger sister told her, “Maybe ‘This is us’ is too much for her. Of course, that wasn’t the case. That show is so validating it’s like I’m watching my life in front of me!
I am so grateful I was prepared for what happened and what would continue to happen. Grateful that I had a supportive family, friends, and therapist that would continue to be a support when I needed it. The always happy Jenn was no longer going to always be happy and for the first time in my life that was ok!