What I fantasized in my head: Maybe I was a princess? Maybe she gave me up because she was poor or out of wedlock? Maybe I was a relative of Pablo Escobar? 😉
I was constantly asked whether I felt the need or desire to search for my first parents or to return to Colombia. Growing up I honestly never had these feelings. Fast forward to December 12, 2016, for the first time in 36 years I actually felt the desire to try and search for my first mom and my truth. What stirred this desire? The new-found grief, depression and pain I was going through – the need to search was laid on my heart.
Naturally, I was nervous (fear) to tell my parents, even though they had told me repeatedly that they would help in any way. I didn’t want to hurt them, but at this point I had been (unknowingly) hurting for a very long time, so I emailed them (even though we live 5 blocks apart) 🤷🏽♀️ lol. True to their word, they said that they would help.
December 13, 2016
I went to my parents where they had laid out all of my legal paperwork. I sat and stared at it and the tears began to flow. This had never happened before. Over the course of 36 years, I’ve looked at these papers, I’ve read them before, but this day was different. My mom suggested we start with simply googling my first mom’s name.
This was, as you all know, how I found 5 half biological siblings and for the first time I would hear my truth. It was an inundation of information, which honestly overwhelmed me in a way I wasn’t expecting at all. This truth, coupled with the already existing emotions of grief and depression, turned that winter into the darkest season of my life. And although I knew that God was with me, my happiest and most joyous time of year, now became a reminder of all the pain, loss and trauma. I am so blessed that I had support from family, friends and God. This time of year, continues to be an emotionally triggering time for me. Though, I know God is with me through it all, and I am grateful that with each passing year, the waves of emotion don’t affect me as severely.